And when did you last see your father?
by indiaga
Summary: Sometimes there are things that we do not have the courage to say out loud, and so we write them down and hope that that will do. Post-Inside Man. My take on the letter we saw Ziva begin to write to her father. Angsty happy/sad bittersweetness. Ziva/Eli.


**Angsty, bittersweet one-shot. My speculations as to the letter we saw Ziva writing to her father in S07E03 (so obviously spoilers). Although a little part of me DOES think that her letter went 'Dear Father, I resign, Love Z'. It's more her style, short and to the point :) Anyway, enough of me blathering you, if you read Fists and co (abbreviation courtesy of AutumnGray, as usual :D) then you'll know my opinions of The Inside Man by now. So read, and, if you have time, review please! One-shot, this will not be updated so no point putting it on StoryAlert :)**

**Disclaimer: Letter belongs to Ziva, Ziva belongs to Gibbs (hopefully), Gibbs belongs to NCIS, NCIS does not belong to me.  
**

Dear Father,

I expect you are surprised to hear from me after so long. I am aware that Director Vance contacted you with details of the NCIS mission in Somalia. I am not quite sure how much he told you, and how much you already knew.

I am going to make this simple. I wish to resign from Mossad. Although it was a huge part of my life for so long - and there were times when I could not consider myself whole without it - it has left me, or I have left it. I know you will blame my time in America for this change of heart, but I do not blame it. I thank it.

Although there have been times when you were kind to me, Aba, I cannot remember the last. It was incredibly difficult for me to leave NCIS - and you knew this - and yet you offered no condolences, no comfort. You chastised me and told me I had become weak. You gave me no choice but to take up Officer Rivkin's assignment, although I am certain you knew it would probably result in my death.

Growing up, with you and Mossad, there was never any doubt or confusion in my mind as to how a father could be so careless with his own children. I assumed it was simply a way of surviving, and that there was no alternative. But there is, and I see it now. I know of no other man that views his children the same as you saw me. And Ari. Disposable. Simply officers. I understand that you were reluctant to show Ari and myself any preferential treatment - it would have been unfair and unprofessional. But you should never have considered a suicide mission for any officer, regardless of whether they were your child.

But I _was _your child, and I find it difficult to reconcile this irrefutable (the only book in the navy lodgings is a dictionary, and so I am making good use of it) fact with the look in your eyes as you bade me leave. There was no kiss, no embrace, no parting words. Only, as always - "Make me proud".

I have been trying for almost thirty years to make you proud, Aba, and I have never even got close. I understand my failings - now, better than ever before - but what I never realised before was that I could be loved in spite of them.

But this letter is not about love. It never was, Aba, and I respect and pity you in equal measures for that. But the point is this: Mossad is no longer my home, and Israel is no longer at the centre of my heart. My heritage will always be important to me, and I will always view you as my father, but perhaps it would be best if that was it. If there was no 'director' and 'officer' with us, just father and daughter. I am your one remaining child, and although you have not treated me well, I do not wish to leave you alone in the world. But I cannot - I feel it in my heart, something you always discouraged in me - continue to work with you and your organisation. My family is now here, at NCIS, in America.

As you are probably aware, I have applied for full NCIS Special Agent status. This would mean I became a permanent and equal member of Special Agent Gibbs' team, and would also mean I became naturalised as an American citizen. I will always love Israel, and will never abandon it, but my life is here now, and I hope you can respect this decision enough to let me go.

You must understand that, over the course of the summer, I had so very long to think about - things. I truly believed that my life was ending, and I was shocked at how much that knowledge hurt. There was so much I still wanted to do, and, suddenly, dying in the course of a mission for Mossad no longer seemed a satisfactory way to leave things. There are people that I love who I never told, places that I wanted to see, experiences I wanted to have. I know you think I am not capable of falling in love, and sometimes I think you are right. But sometimes, Aba, sometimes I think you are wrong, and surely those times are important enough to cling to?

I do not know if I am making sense. I did not just want to send you a formal letter of resignation. I am your daughter, after all, and I felt as though I somehow owed you an explanation. I know that, more than anything, you hate discussing emotion - particularly emotions of mine - but I hope you will recognise this as the truth I have not had to courage to speak in all these years.

I wish to ask one more thing of you, Father. If there is any way that you could make my transition into NCIS any easier, I would beg for you to do it. I understand if you cannot bring yourself to do it, or think I do not deserve such efforts. But I am pleading with you, Aba. And you of all people know that I never plead.

Well. I cannot think of anything else to say. I am not sorry for all of my failings and weaknesses and mistakes. I only hope that one day you will be able to be proud of me in spite of them. You taught me many things, some of which I still value after everything that has happened. I want you to know that with this letter comes my forgiveness. I do not want to fight or argue any more. Life passes too quickly. I am nearing thirty, Aba, and it feels so strange. There is so little to my name for all those years. But I am determined to create a life for myself, starting with the sending of this letter.

Some of my love, but by no means all,

Your daughter, Ziva David.

_Fin._

**Well. Hope you enjoyed :)**


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